and it grows

The distance I feel between me and Bret just grows. I know why. In an effort to not get my hopes up about you know what, I have forced myself not to think of us as “us”, I am forcing my psyche backwards into the land of “we’re just dating” in an effort to slow my overeagerness. I think it’s backfiring.
It’s making me not want to be around him, not want to be close. I find the smallest things irritating now, things I used to like. I doubt him when he says things to me, no, let me rephrase that, I think he’s lying, not to be mean… but to tell me what he thinks I want to hear. I find myself actively running away from him and I hate myself for it. But I keep doing it, maybe for self preservation? I don’t know.
I’m going to see a therapist tomorrow for the first time. It scares me to death. Not because I think there’s anything wrong with going to a therapist, hell, I want to be one. I think I’m mostly scared that he’s going to tell me that my fears are trying to tell me something, that yes, I am pushing him away, but that it’s not for the reasons I think. That it’s not because I’m trying to make myself wait longer but that instead I’m pushing him away because some important dynamic of the relationship has changed, and not for the better.
I don’t think that I can tell the difference anymore.

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~ by Brandy on February 1, 2006.

2 Responses to “and it grows”

  1. I don’t think you ever really blogged about this situation between you and bret from previous archives. I don’t mean to pry either, but has bret been aware of your feelings? you’ve probably heard this all before. you may be paranoid over little things that aren’t what they really are. been there, done that. granted it took me years to realize who i really am. but for now, all i wanted to say was “hang in there, things aren’t as bad as you may think”.

  2. I hope things went well for today with the therapist. I’m curious if anyone has suggested a little time apart–not apart necesarily, but maybe just not living in the same house? I’m not a huge fan of living together before marriage, mostly because I feel like the lack of committment can cause problems. Maybe let him think about what he’s missing?

    I could be totally off base, but it’s just my thoughts.

    Much love and support from us!
    -a—>

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