I know he’ll read this, but.

I should not have gotten my hopes up. Whether I’m destined for it or not, I shouldn’t have said anything, I shouldn’t have done anything, hell… I shouldn’t even have thought anything about it. But hey, it’s just like me to go and ruin a perfectly good thing right? Man falls in love with me, and what do I do? Bug him to death until he starts to think I’m crazy and decides he does not in fact want a future with me (which I’m sure at this point he is).
I mean honestly, who would want to marry a person who worshipped you and would do anything for you and could not imagine a life without you, who’s heart actually aches with what is sometimes quite severe pain at the thought of losing you or being without you?
Ever since we started talking about it, I am simultaneously overjoyed at the idea and deathly afraid that he’ll change his mind and/or I’ll just become too crazy for him and another cute little asian girl (just his type) is going to come and scoop him right up. And let me tell you, he has some really cute little asian friends (you know – just the type that will completely ignore me when I’m around, and just let me tell you how good that feels! But that’s a whole other blog)

He says he wants us to just relax and enjoy being with each other. I try I really do, but how do you step back and just date the man you are supposed to marry? He doesn’t want us to rush through the stages of life : engagement, marriage, kids… and then have nothing to look forward to. Is it just me or is that just about enough excitement for one person to last them a whole life? I look forward to our life together with a different kind of bond.

He says that getting engaged now doesn’t fit into what he calls his timetable and what I know as a schema (1 : a diagrammatic presentation; broadly : a structured framework or plan : 2 : a mental codification of experience that includes a particular organized way of perceiving cognitively and responding to a complex situation or set of stimuli) But I don’t know what that entails. Does that mean dating for 2, 4, 6 years before marriage? Does that include a long engagement, a short one? Does he have to be at a certain point in his life education/ job/ maturity wise? I don’t want to ask him these questions because I’m sure that it would just put him under additional pressure and make him feel like he had to do it at a certain time.
My problem with this is : (and he has heard this before) If a person knows, then why wait? The only thing I can come up with is that he doesn’t know that way I do, if he does at all.

Coming from something of a traditional family, I am going through serious issues in my head along the lines of “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” I mean, we live together, he gets his laundry done, he gets his meals cooked, there’s that whole sex thing, I mean he has everything a marriage would warrant, and he didn’t have to do anything to get it. Of course he’s not in a rush to get married, he already has the life without the legal hassle.

I know that this is not what he is thinking. I think it’s more that it fell into his lap, and he doesn’t see the need to shake up what’s going on right now just to make an honest woman out of me.

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~ by Brandy on November 11, 2005.

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